Story by Selena Routh
My cell phone has
virtually become part of my personal attire. It is with me nearly twenty-four
hours per day. Most of the time, it is attached to my hip, other times it is on
my bedside table, or next to my computer, or riding on the console of my pickup
truck. I love having it available, but I don’t love everything about it. Here
are 10 reasons I love to hate my cell phone.
- Dishonest
Reception Bars. I
look at the little monitor screen, and I can see a full set of bars
glowing in the upper left-hand corner. When I try to send a text message
or make a call, however, nothing will go through. Later, when the phone
rings and I pick it up to see who it is, I can see one faintly glowing bar
in that corner. What’s that all about? Are the bars meaningless, or does
the phone just try harder when it knows my ex is calling me?
- Dropped
Calls. Of
course, everyone’s favorite reason to complain about cell phones is the
infamous dropped call. There is little to say about it that hasn’t been
said alr…
- Dropped
Call Indicator-Screech. Okay, dropped calls are bad enough in themselves, but I hate
being informed of them by what amounts to the sonic version of an ice pick
shoved in my ear. It’s almost made worse by the fact that it is
inconsistent. About seventy percent of the time, there is no indication
other than dead silence on the line. That’s just enough to lull me into
forgetfulness, setting me up for the next surprise screech.
- Battery
Charge Games. My
cell phone also likes to play little games with the battery charge
indicator. On the way out the door in the morning, the battery appears
fully charged. By the time I arrive at work, five minutes later, it shows
a half-charge. What happened? Did I absorb all of that energy through my
hip? Why don’t I feel more energetic?
- Delayed
Text Messages. So,
what happened to the text message that my wife sent on Thursday afternoon,
between then and three a.m. Sunday when it announced its arrival in my
phone? Did it stop for the text message version of a coffee break on a
communications satellite? What do text messages discuss when they’re
hanging around waiting for an inconvenient moment to finish their
journeys?
- Nappus
Interruptus. At
my last calculation, approximately eighty-three percent of my naps are
interrupted by a cell phone. I know darn well that it has figured out how
to send random texts requesting a call, and to set its own alarm.
- Hide
& Seek. After
careful consideration, I’ve decided that my cell phone has a
self-propulsion unit that was not mentioned in the owner’s manual. In
addition to the games it plays with reception and battery charge
indicators, it loves to play hide and seek. When it is not attached to my
hip, I always take care to place it in an easy to remember location. Yet,
each time it rings, a panicky search ensues, until I find that it has
crawled under a pile of mail, again.
- Promises
Broken. When
I acquired my first cell phone, I was promised that it would make me both
more efficient and more productive in my work. I’m still waiting.
- The
Bill. Have you ever
tried to read and interpret a cell phone monthly bill? All I want to know
is how much to pay and how it got to be that much. As best I can tell, it
got to be that much because somebody threw darts at a numbers grid.
- The
Contract. Is
there anything more one-sided than a cell phone service contract? It tells
you what you are obligated to do for the service provider, and what they
are NOT obligated to do for you. It also tells you that they can change
the terms in a moment and on a whim, while any changes that you want to
make require personal counseling and a new two-year contract.
You may have one or two,
or even ten completely different reasons to love to hate your cell phone. These
are mine, and I love/hate them dearly.
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